Rewriting My Story: Finding Peace, Purpose, and Truth

Turning 70 this past year has been a turning point for me. I recognize my need to find clarity is essential in the last quarter of my life. The way I live my life is my legacy, my story.

I am focused on simplifying life, enjoying quiet times, and living intently. My relationship with “my people” is most important to me. I need them. I'm grateful for those in my life who are good for my soul. I am blessed with a real family centered on unconditional love and acceptance; my children/grandchildren and my chosen family.

Maya Angelou’s words, "Family isn't always blood, it's the people in your life who want you in theirs” inspire me to find meaning in my pain and rewrite my story.

I continue to be challenged searching for an answer to my family’s breakup, my biggest heartache, following our father’s death. Why couldn’t we work through our differences? Asking why has held me back. I trust God has a reason for my pain. I now ask, “what’s next?”

I get triggered by watching people who have families that celebrate life together. Growing up I thought we were that family. I miss what I thought I had. I lived in an illusion. I am grateful for my memories; I am angry at the situation.

The times I get pulled back into the pain of my family’s breakup, I begin to struggle with the guilt and shame of “what ifs and should haves.” Yet I did my best at the time with the knowledge I had. My hope throughout was wanting my family to be whole. Through mindfulness I have learned to acknowledge my triggers, work through them, and continue.

Through counseling I understand my perception is NOT always reality. Perceptions can be  distortions of reality. It is important to pursue and operate from reality and truth. Truth is reality; illusions persist because we have been conditioned to only know what is told to us, including lies.

My search for clarity led me to understand that hurt often travels through families for generations until someone accepts and truly feels the pain. My family’s generational spell, avoidance, was passed down by those who acted as if certain things weren’t happening around them. Avoidance was the answer to manage the drama and stress in life; it seemed easier to put things off, hoping all would be taken care of "tomorrow." In our family situations, much emphasis was put on the “tomorrows" and blind trust. Unintentionally, we never took the time nor gave respect to one another to meet the emotional needs of all family members.

Eventually, generational pain is felt; this is necessary for a cycle to be broken. One theory is ‘somewhere down the line, a child is born whose purpose is to feel all.’ I believe this was my destiny. I accept I will be free of my pain when it's done teaching me. I am ready to be free. I am committed to being the generation in which the cycle is broken. I have worked hard in searching for my true self and finding answers. I deserve inner peace. 

My heart continues to guide me towards focusing on the people in my life who energize me, my immediate family and friends. As I rebuild a new life from my past experiences, I include moments of hurt and moments of gratitude.

Through counseling I recognize my fear of the unknown as well as the known. My fear of not being good enough kept me frozen. Reflecting, I would have made different choices. Still my desired outcomes would be the same: truth and real family relationships. Allowing my fears to control my life choices throughout my life is my biggest regret.

Eleanor Roosevelt’s words, “you gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face” resonated with me. I have looked at my fears in the face. I continue to learn ways to self-regulate, make better decisions, and break patterns.

I became aware of generational patterns of people-pleasing and of codependency. My father was a people-pleaser. My father was a strong role model for me; he had integrity and a care for others that was inspirational. My codependent behavior was learned from my mother, my best friend. Before my father’s death, I based my choices mainly on the course my mother wanted me to take with my life. I needed my mother to be proud of me. Following my father’s death, I chose a course of action that she was against. Our relationship was challenged during the last years of her life, still we shared a bond I continue to hold in my heart.

Unconsciously, I modeled codependent behavior for my daughter. Becoming aware of this has been a blessing for us. Together, my daughter and I are consciously breaking this pattern. We are learning the importance of self-care. Our choices need to be about what is right for us; what others do needs to be what is right for them. This is a challenge for those of us who did not learn the value of setting boundaries.

Codependency has hurt us both. We are learning from our past and embracing the moment. We recognize we each have the power to create the kind of life that each of us

want to live. We encourage and support one another. Our relationship is authentic. We share a deep level of understanding, honesty, and support.

Recently Joe, my husband and I visited Iceland with close friends. Observing the Northern Lights was truly a spiritual experience. Joe and I, with our friends, experienced God's presence through the beauty of creation.

Through mindfulness and journaling, I often reflect on significant moments in my life. This was one of those moments: following my Northern Lights experience I had a strong nightmare around our family’s struggles. I believe this was a sign for me to address my family’s unresolved conflict.

On my search for inner peace, the nightmare began to speak to me, illuminating a new pathway for personal growth and healing. The nightmare led me to where I am now, choosing to emotionally "let go” of my siblings, even if only in my mind. I wish each of us the best. I pray for the four of us.

I share this openly, to help individuals who are struggling with family relations after a loss to know they are not alone. Learn from my story. When life breaks you, be open to being put back together differently. Allow your broken parts to begin to heal, search for purpose in your pain. Be open to God’s guidance. Change begins with you. Each stage of life has a purpose. Trust God. Together, God and you co-create your story. You are never alone.

In our family, three narratives were happening at one time; the desire to stop, address our differences and begin to heal before moving forward; the “someday plan” which focused on what is best for all “someday” (thus no need to look back); and the desire for truth and accountability. Our different perceptions, narratives, needs and desires were never shared. Was there a right or wrong way? We each thought so. Were we so focused on convincing others that our way was the only way? Possibly. At the end of the day, we were individuals each fighting for what we believed was right.

Through counseling, while addressing my inability to get past false narratives, I gained a knowledge of the concept of “competition of control” of the narrative. Your narrative is your story as my narrative is my story. Take control of writing your narrative. Be true to yourself. Make peace with yourself and with others. Grow past the pain of your mistakes. Grow past the shame.

I accept myself, others, and my life’s circumstances as they are. This is the way my life is supposed to be now. For this I am grateful. My prayer today is “God, do not change the circumstances of my life, change me; give me the courage to be vulnerable when I go l through hard times. Walk with me as I continue to move forward one step at a time.”

With love-