Death is one of the hardest subjects to introduce to young children, especially when grownups are struggling to deal with their own grief. When asked what the best way is to provide children with an understanding of death and how to teach them ways to grieve, there is no perfect answer. There are guides for adults to help children through their process of grieving. Still be respectful knowing all adults and children grieve differently. There is not one way to grieve.
Children become aware of death at an early age. They hear about death reading fairy tales, seeing death scenes on both TV and in the movies. I remember the death of Bambi’s mother, a shocking however significant moment in movie-making history as it introduced my children to the concept of death in a way never seen before.
Death is a part of life that children will someday face. Do not shield them from having discussions around death. Movies, stories, and other sources can be a positive starting point to give them tools to understand the reality of death. Be strong, attentive, and engaged when utilizing stories and movies as conversation starters with children. Use age appropriate and culturally sensitive resources.
Pre-school age children often view death as being temporary, as in stories they have heard. Still between the ages of 4-7 years, children gradually begin to develop an understanding that death is permanent. They may begin to be inquisitive about what happens after someone dies.
Fear of death may become a source of anxiety for young children. Generally, they move beyond their fears as they mature; they can shift their focus to the here and now. Nonetheless, a close adult’s reaction, as a parent or teacher, can influence the extent of a child’s fear. Children learn from watching grownups. Some children struggle to understand the reason adults around them are sad. Other children do not respond to one’s death, or their responses may be random, mixed in with their typical cheerfulness and play. They may wait until they feel it's safe to grieve before letting their feelings out.
As adults, all children process grief and loss differently. It's normal for young children to be curious about death, even if they have not lost a loved one. Less emotionally troubled times provide openings to lay a foundation that may help them cope when they lose someone close to them. Answer their questions about death honestly. Read stories about children whose pets or grandparents have died. Young children are unable to deal with too much information at one time. Explain death in simple terms. Stay calm and caring when you tell a child of a person or pet’s death. Use direct, clear words such as, “I have sad news to tell you; (name of person or pet) has died today.” Pause giving them time to process your words. Express your own emotions. Let children know grownups feel sad and cry at times, too. Common phrases for death as "resting in peace," or " being in eternal sleep" can be confusing for a young child. They may attach going to bed at night with a fear of dying.
Sharing concepts of God and heaven can be calming. Think carefully about your words. Saying someone is happy because they are in heaven may cause a child to wonder how someone can really be happy if everyone around me is so sad? If you say, God wanted her with him, a child may wonder will he take me too. Instead, I suggest saying, "we will miss (name); still it's comforting to know that she's with God now."
Children may experience sudden outbursts to get their own pain out or as a reaction to the tension and grief surrounding them. Children need tangible ways to mourn the death of a loved one. They may not be ready to attend a funeral. Still there are other ways they can take part in honoring their loved one. It could be letting them light a candle at home, sing a song, draw a picture, or take part in a separate ritual best for your family. Keep stories alive. Share memories.
The death of a pet is many children's first experience with death. A family’s pet is often a child's first and best buddy, offering unconditional love and friendship. Be empathetic. Expect the same types of ongoing mourning and repeated questions you would get if a person your child cared for had died.
Do your best to get your child’s life back to their routine by scheduling activities that anchor their life, giving them a sense of security. Give yourself permission to grieve. It's all right to cry in front of your child. Tears are liquid love. Accept you will not answer every question perfectly. Do your best. Ask for help from family and friends. Value self-care. The more you help yourself cope with life’s hurts, including death, the better you'll be able to help your family cope too.
God Bless
Mary Jean Gandolfo Ed.D, LSW,GC-C
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