My first memory of death and grief took place in 1964 when I was 10 years old. Within months of one another, I lost my great-grandmother and my aunt. I remember my response to both of their deaths was envisioning them as angels looking over our family. Fast forward to my adulthood, I have experienced other losses including a miscarriage, the death of my daughter’s friend killed by a drunk driver at the end of their junior year of high school. I lost my aunt to cancer. My grandparents, my parents and in-laws have passed away. Most recently, I lost a dear friend whose death triggered me to reflect on the loss of my loved ones. Each loss I experienced is a part of who I am today. Each loss represents a relationship I will always hold in my heart. Through each loss, my heart broke, as well as healed. Our shared memories form a lasting bond between us which gives me a sense of inner peace. I have been blessed to have loved. Grief exists where love lives first.
All that is dear to you becomes a part of you. Your memories hold your innermost joy, as well as your deepest hurt. Accept your love, loss, and grief. Your grieving process is unique to you. Allow yourself to make space for your grief. Acknowledge your emotions that flow through you. Feel your feelings.
Hold onto the wisdom of a broken heart that offers comfort and hope, knowing God is with you. God joins you where you are, not where you pretend to be.
Accepting your suffering can make you stronger. Hold your memories close; the love you shared can never be taken away. You were blessed to have loved. Be thankful. Expressing thanks is easier than saying goodbye.
You are not alone. Do not isolate yourself; focus on finding peace through the experiences of others: many people have walked in similar shoes. They too have lost loved ones, survived, and moved forward in life. Their support can help you make your pain more endurable, with meaning. Most people I have counseled have found letting others share their pain to be the most helpful way to move through their grief. Talk to your family and friends. Ask for help. Find a support group. Together build resilience and find strength and hope.
The thread that pulls us through grief is love. Grief never ends. Your loss is a part of you as you are creating a new life. Healing does not take away your grief. Healing indicates grief no longer controls your life.
Grief is hard. Grief takes work as you learn to adapt, live again, and move forward. Carry the love you feel with you. You can build a new life while repeatedly missing the person and learning to live without them. Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross says it best, “the reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again; you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
I invite you to pause; get in touch with where you are presently by using a brief meditation exercise:
Begin by getting into a relaxed position. Close your eyes and slowly breathe in and out. Be calm as you become aware of your senses.
Recall your loss. Your loss is personal, a person, experience or part of your life.
Listen to your body. What physical feelings do you sense? Don’t think, simply feel. Your body is speaking to you. What is your body saying to you right now?
Now, bring yourself to your broken heart. Slowly breathe in and out as you feel your hurt.
Now concentrate on your throat center. Often your throat holds your grief. As your throat muscles tighten, feel the ache arise. If you feel like crying do so; crying is a sign of strength showing healing has begun. Be vulnerable,
Observe where else your grief is being held in your body; various parts of your body hold your grief as they sort out your feelings naturally. Your body knows your grief. Be attentive.
Be aware of your inner emotions. Focus on your emotions that are arising; feel whatever you’re feeling. Don’t justify your feelings. Just feel. Welcome your emotions. Do not suppress your feelings. Emotions are the energy of your grieving. Emotions are always changing. Be gentle with yourself.
Rest, feel, and be still. Breathe in and out. When ready, open your eyes.
Reflecting on your loss and grief, including the way your loss connects you with others, can be healing. Accepting change may give you a sense of hope, a reason to move forward. Release your love, your happiness and understanding through your grief journey. Continuing to do the grief work is essential for you to re-engage with your own life in a meaningful way. The grief you feel is part of your healing process. Never avoid your pain. Experience your pain. Work to recreate a new way of life; create the life you want.
You direct your life. You have the power to find happiness within yourself. With grief you are challenged to take life moment by moment. Discover ways to find happiness amid your grief. People have shared with me ways they have started to heal and move forward with meaning:
Prayer, go inward with your feelings and with God. Having a spiritual connection helps generate a purpose for moving forward.
Express your feelings out loud or in writing to help you heal. Talk about your loved ones to help them stay remembered and/or write a letter to your loved one, noting your feelings, memories, and gratitude for them. You may choose to keep your letter or burn it, symbolizing sending your words to heaven.
Listening to music is calming.
Practice self-care.
Balance being kind to yourself and being kind to others.
Exercise can be healing. Walks, hikes and bike riding are good ways to start as you build your strength.
Transform your pain into purpose, as Mark and Kelly Parrish did in establishing Camberwell Grief Sanctuary, following the tragic death of their daughter, Kaytryn. Camberwell Grief Sanctuary is a gift to our community; a tribute to Kaytryn.
Bereavement expert, David Kessler talks about finding meaning after the loss of a loved one. Kessler describes meaning to be personal, as only you can find your own meaning. Finding meaning takes time and does not dwell on you trying to understand the reason your loved one died. Rather focus on the reason you lived. Find meaning for the rest of your life.
As finding meaning is very personal, think of ways that will be meaningful for you. When you find meaning, you can move forward on your grief journey. By making positive life changes you can honor your loved one’s memory in an amazing way.
Grief is like a bridge connecting the pain of loss and the hope of creating a new life for yourself. Loss takes away; grief can give back. There is hope after loss. The pain will pass; the love will remain.
Hope gives strength to live a full and happy life following your loss; experiencing grief and loss are integrated into our lives. We cannot avoid times of grief. We can place our hope and trust in God, whose comfort does not take away our pain, yet who supports us in the center of our hurting.
My hope for you is you allow your hurt to guide you in your search for inner peace. There are many therapists and grief support groups to help you do so. Allow yourself to process your loss; embrace grief to remember and appreciate your loved ones.
God Bless-
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